Being Me

Being Me. I think that I spent most of my childhood trying as hard as I could to *not* be me. I didn't *want* to be me at all. Or, maybe I just didn't have a clue who I even was. All that I knew was that I didn't think the way other kids thought. I didn't want to do the things that other kids did. I didn't look at life the same ways that other kids looked at life. So, whoever this "me" was, I was *not* going to be that person. I didn't want other people to think that I was as strange and different as I felt. I had no idea who I was, but I did know that I wanted to blend in. I wanted to look like everyone else and fit the mold that it felt like I was supposed to fit. I definitely knew that I *didn't* want to be an outcast, but that is sure how I usually felt.

Since I was often by myself, I did a lot of creative play. I was very shy and my mom moved me and my sister around a lot, so I didn't usually have very many close friends. My imagination became my best friend. I spent so much time writing, drawing, creating, and dreaming. It's all I ever wanted to do, even at school...especially at school lol. I could *never* focus on those lessons. There was way too much going on in my imagination.

One of the things I loved doing was, I loved creating a story of this imaginary world that I could visit. A world where no one ever got sick or hurt. A world where everyone was nice to each other and no one got left out. A world where things were fair and everyone was equal. A world full of color and hope, light and dreams, laughter and rainbows. That was the place I felt most comfortable. A place I could be me and it was okay. My world. I remember drawing pictures of all of the things that were there and the adventures I had. When I was alone with just me and my imagination, I didn't ever have to hold back. I didn't care if I didn't fit a mold. I didn't need to fit in. I could be whoever I wanted to be.  

The thing that I have realized as I've gotten older, is that all of those things that made me feel like an outcast as a child, are the very things that people seem to like about me as an adult. The imaginary stories and places I treasured so much as a child, the dreams I had, the colors and the hope I saw...it is all now reflected in the art I create. The things that as a child I thought would be the end of me, actually are the very things that breathe life into me.

If as a child I was told that I could be anyone I wanted to be, I would have chosen anyone *but* me. Now, I am finding out that this person who is me is actually okay. I don't mind that I am different and see things waaaay outside the box. It's okay if I'm not like most people. I am like some people. And, I am me. I am exactly who I am, in the place I am supposed to be, doing what I enjoy doing, surrounded by people I love. The good, bad, silly, anxious, random, serious, compassionate, real, warm, loyal, honest, forgetful, shy, strange, quirky...it's all me. And I've decided, I'm okay being me. 

Both layouts created by me with the kit: Being Me